Planning Ahead and Hedonism
I just saw this really great video. I got me thinking. I think I'm a bit wiser about myself after watching it. I realised that probably my biggest "flaw" is that I can't not plan ahead. I simply can't do it because it is boring and I can't really see the future, make goals for myself or even just save up some money. Also, my attention is so short, I can rarely sit down and do the same thing for hours, unless it's surfing online or playing a game, where the action changes or is constant. While surfing, I read a lot but not long articles and I can't really read a book. Sometimes I can make myself read a fun or entertaining book, but I have to push myself so hard just in order to read a book I want to read.
Which means that I really have to push myself to extreme, just in order to do sometimes that I actually want to do. I can't understand why I'm like that though. Maybe it doesn't matter. But thinking back, I don't think I've done anything big myself. I started university the first time, which is an honest mistake, start something to end up disliking. It wasn't my game but again, I could never understand why people adviced me against quitting it. I couldn't get that, because when I do something, I get bored so fast, unless there's an immidiate satisfaction. Otherwise, I lose interest and therefore motivation. It needs to happen now and not in five years. I like working a crap job that requires no training at all, because I get more money like that, than I would if I'd been to school for several years. Where's the carrot there? Read a ton of crap books you couldn't care less about. Getting grades from people you don't respect. Being evaluated at exams in a system you hate. There's nothing good in studying for me, while studying. I can see why it pays off in the long run but it seems I just can't focus on that. It gets too much and I quit. I seem to repeat that pattern over and over and over again. And it bothers me, of course.
I need to focus on this issue more than anything else. How can I plan to do projects and actually end up carrying them out? See the final result? Why can't I do that by myself?
There's no doubt in my mind that I can do whatever I want to, succesfully. I haven't really failed anything except a stupid math exam in high school, which was because of a highly incompetent teacher. Several of my classmates failed that as well, so I don't feel bad about that. I'm just scared that I'll never grow to accomplish something. Feel like a success. I need to figure this stuff out. At least I find some comfort in that I'm much aware of myself and patterns. I just need to find a way to work in a manner so that my not-easily-amused brain will actually reveal its true capacity. Alcohol and drugs are fun now. School is good three years later, when you need a job and get a career going. Doing something you like. What to do now then? I should see a coach or a doctor or something.
Sometimes I actually do think that army service would have improved me somehow, even though I despise it and the hierarchy of its system. I guess all this alone time I've had and low selfasteem has put me back some years, compared to many of my friends. But I'm also somewhat certain that it doesn't matter and I will at some point, be the wiser. I'd kill myself the day I find out I never will. I'll do my best to see to that day never comes.
Thinking At Work
Often I have the most time to kill, when I'm at work. Which is strange for most people, I assume. But my job involves a lot of time with one self, so much so, that often when people come by or the phone rings, my voice is rusty from not making any sounds for a longer period of time. This is not really a huge problem for me, as I like to be left alone, if I only I have something interesting to do. That's the problem these days.
I do not have any desire to do anything. All I want is to drink some beers, hate the world, think my bad thoughts about most people and how they're morally horrible people, stupid people with no real grasp on reality. Sometimes I even think maybe it's me who do not have a grasp on reality? Whatever it is, most other people seem to be well-functioning individuals, who've settled for living the kind of life, that they're in.
I've been listening a lot to my mother, who's a pessimist like myself but has some strange reserve of energy that she drives on. I wonder what it is. Maybe it's just survival. Maybe it's the ever-growing fury, inspired by the always incredible untalented work of others, especially the government and public institutions. I truly admire that fury and will power. But then again, I can not grasp how she does it. I think it's basic survival. She will no longer take all that shit. Justice must be done. Maybe I just haven't come to that point. I've always been more of a quitter than a fighter. I might have that from my father's side. I don't know. I don't know him that well.
As I've probably mentioned before here, I'm the sort of person who do not get inspired by great works but put down. Because I am not doing great work. I do nothing. Nothing at all. The best thing I've done in weeks was to drink like a madman for two days and smear myself in blood, as a zombie. Some macabre borderline desire to see myself smeared in blood and suffer, maybe, but it was much fun and I felt bad that I had to wash it off and go back to work and be normal again. I wish I could be that interesting most of the time. Smeared in blood. Watching people's horrified faces as I walk by. If I had the possibility, I'd be a good super villain, with all this resentment and hate. Take revenge on all of those who I don't know but I'm sure that they are horrible people.
About Ritalin, I don't really know if it's doing anything for me. I don't feel better in any way, except I always get a small boost when trying new stuff out and feeling - for a short amount of time - that I'm actually doing something to lessen these negative thoughts and bad habits. I can read a paper from end to end but I could do that before as well. I had an agreement with my personal physician to start and do a project since the last time I talked to him. I haven't done anything beside buy some expensive film and feel pressured to do some "art". I can't do it. There is no motivation at all. I am certain that all I ever try is destined to fail.
I dream about rosey affairs with pretty girls. Something that, just like success, feels a thousand miles away and every day it goes even further away. I have a strange habit of growing to hate ex-girlfriends and boyfriends for that matter. A few months after it's over, I start to hate them. Thinking of all the terrible incidents we had together and focusing on the worst sides. There's a clear idea in my head of what type of person would appeal to me but these days, I can not even figure my sexuality out. I'd love to meet someone like myself: depressed, miserable and alone. Leave everything. Be some place where words are cheap and silence is gold. More nature than city. More animals than humans. And I don't mean a farm.
That too is just a stupid dream, that will never happen. At some point, I'll be just like everybody else, settled for mediocrity and forgetting dreams and beliefs. I do not have the will power of my mother to fight this. I've already given up and now I'm just passing time until I figure out a way out of here. That might take years but it feels like my only good option that this point. It could be so much better but I can't. I give up.
Maybe I should try being homeless for some time instead... It seems like a romantic idea. Sell all of my stuff, if some poor idiot would ever give money for the crap I've collected so far. Again back to my dream of just leaving everything.
I'll never be brave enough. I've given up already.
Thinking Back
Today, I am in a reasonably good mood. I can't recall if I've tried to post while in a reasonably good mood. I probably have. Things I usually have a lot more on my mind, when in a bad mood. But maybe I think a bit clearer, when I'm not already in dark thoughts.
I think I'm scared. I'm afraid for most things and I rarely dare. I'd rather play it safe and as a consequence, nothing happens. I've told myself that doing nothing will mean you never do it wrong. Doing it wrong will apparently make my world go upside down and start random fires. This is very irrational, as most of what goes wrong, usually is pretty funny some weeks afterwards. Like shitting myself in public. Not a proud moment but I might as well just be honest about it.
I suppose it's the lust of a gonzo-lifestyle that makes me make the friends I have. On the surface, carefree and wild. Under the surface, just like myself, some of them maybe even inmature. But I did get a few years headstart, birthwise. I did not get their wild upbringing, doing drugs and acting out as early as 14-15 year olds. I've only started now. It's a bit safer, I guess. But again, more boring. The one time I did ecstasy, is one of my fondest memories. It was crazy. I do not think it is the last time. As long as you do it an relatively safe environment, among good friends...
But back to scared stuff. I think I've evolved into putting so many bonds on myself, because I didn't like what I "really was like" back in my younger days. I remember being the sorest loser in competitive sports, I still suffer from this when playing just about anything, from Scrabble to Rock Band. So a long time ago, I decided not to participate in these things, as I'd go crazy with fury, if I let myself down; i.e. did not win. In my head, I'm far better than everybody else, and therefore, must always win and win in style. This did however not take long before I realised that I'm not the best in the world at anything and it takes a whole lot healthier attitude to be the best. So I quit. After an incident playing football (European) and I lost my temper, shoved an opponent down and kicked him in the stomach. I could not live with myself after that and decided to quit, instead of trying to better myself.
Thing is, I've never had anyone to talk to about these things. I only trust in myself and I most definitly do not want to bother others with my problems. I need to care of myself, as I can not rely on others to care for me. This is of course very unhealthy but something I have huge issues about changing. This is maybe the root of my issues? I could easily believe it is. As a younger man, I tried to be as brave as possible, not bothering my parents with any problems. If I shared my problems in their already problemfilled life, I would just add to their worries. So I kept to myself and tried to solve problems by myself. I've always said I didn't want to have a birthday party, because it is too much hassle. I said that everybody didn't have to come to my graduation, and when they didn't, I regretted having said so. Just thinking about it, still makes my blood rush to my head, and probably if I was talking right now, my voice would tremble a little.
All of this is still true. I still follow these patterns but I'd like to think to a lesser extend. I have however started to dislike people who share their problems with me, as I know, they would never ask me; or even worse, I'll never let them know my problems. Except if I was in a weak spot, most likely drunk, and I just spilled some hint at one of my issues. I always just hint and hope they other part of the conversation picks it up.
It is truly amazing how your childhood and upbringing will shape you. I am a whole different person, I think. But for strange reasons. As in "I don't like this side of me. I'll just stop being like that." And I'm starting to doubt if this is healthy behaviour. Maybe I do not have the capability to think my way out of my problems. I've always believed that I could actually solve my problems, because of my superior intelligence. I think a lot. But not very constructively, it seems. I should stop thinking. But Ritalin is not helping in that aspect. I doubt any drug will do anything for my various issues. I'm still just hoping for the miracle of medical science, so I don't have to talk to people about this. I probably will have to, at some point.
I wish I could be alone and happy. I might be broken in that matter. Time for a smoke.
Hungover Blues
I've been drinking the last two days, despite I'm ordered not to, when taking Ritalin. But it does not make much difference moodwise and I really do not think I could have a more decent life, if I dropped alcohol. It is about the best thing I got. Which is a horrible thing to say, I know.
I'm caught in a very negative mood today, again sparked by reading what others write, reading the newspaper and realising how much of a badly functioning idiot I am. I feel stupid when writing because I'm not as good at it, as I wish to be. I suppose it is hard, when you compare yourself to the great artists. Maybe they felt like that as well, in their early life. Or maybe they were just great right away. It is however comforting that most great artists are depressive, strange people who usually do stupid things and have tons of flaws too.
It is a sure catalyst for depression to walk down memory lane for me. For some reason, all the events and actions I regret, fills the most and I easily forget times of happiness. As I probably mentioned in an earlier post, in my world, good things last five minutes, then follows several hours of bad things. It feels very imbalanced and it is making my head hurt.
Thinking about the girls I've liked and never had a chance with. I'm clueless apparently. I just want to quit. I don't want to continue this way of life. But how can one escape oneself. I have not been able to change anything in the last six or seven years, which is about the time I think I've been hating myself for all of this silly misery.
I don't want to take part in this much more. Miracles does happen but I seriously do not intend to wait for it much longer. I have no idea what to do. I am clueless.
A Month Later, I Can’t Sleep.
I haven't been writing for a long time. Nothing's changed, so I guess I haven't been motivated to update this. It's always the same, in many, many ways.
I got to get up in a little less than four hours and get ready for a ten-hour work day. I am not looking to that at all.
Needless to say, I can't find any rest tonight. I've watched my usual few episodes of X-Files (it does not make much difference what I watch) as to get tired. But I haven't been pushed to that extend, that I'm basically already sleeping before turning it off. I lay in bed and think. The usual negative stuff... I'll try to make a nicely looking list, just for fun:
- I should write a book. I think I could write a good book. I just doubt very much I could actually write it. Meaning, having the determination to actually sit down and write from time to time. It's far from always I got something on my mind worth writing down. Same goes for any other project I'd really like to do. Like photographs, drawings, designs and so on. I've given up before even getting a draft done. This is in itself not a good sign and makes me feel worthless, though talented.
- I hate life. I dislike many of the people around me, however I very much doubt it's a good idea to burn bridges like that. Again, people are just people. They can't help that I don't like them. It's probably just me, who's not really into people. Let me put it this way: Good things last about five minutes. Bad things are several hours, if not days. It's not a life worth living. Being like this, does not encourage more living, and especially not for many years to come. I bet I'll burn completely out in a few years. At this rate, I really can't foresee any other outcome. Unless a miracle strikes and Jesus (the holy one or a clever Spanish person, either way is good) tells me the secret how to write books or just complete ideas.
- Suicide is for people without anybody. This is the reasoning I keep telling myself. I could never do such a harmful thing to my mother, brother and sister. Everybody else, I couldn't imagine would count it as much of a loss. But I suppose I still got hope, to some degree. That something magical could actually turn this hole around. Or fill it up, to stay in the metaphor. Maybe even put a little mountain on top of it. Mount Chris the Magnificent, it would be called. Yeah well. Not very likely, though.
- I have very few friends. I'd have even fewer if I was honest to them. I'm a very negative person. I doubt anyone would befriend a guy who's always whining and focusing the negative part. I try to keep this facade of being happy and witty. But it's getting tired. Although, I do have friends I really do admire. The problem there, is just that I feel completely inferior, because my bad social skills and my ability to think of good lines, five minutes past where a good line would fit in perfectly. My mind runs so fast on its own but when I'm not prepared, I go blank.
- I don't talk with people about all of this, because I've seen many times how they react to it. They get insecure, feel on the spot, don't know what to say and a sense of pity or maybe even disgust. I sense disgust but that's probably just my lovely mind doing its usual tricks. I don't want to make their day crap, just because I fucking suck at everything or turn silver into dirt whenever I touch it. Silver, because I've never touched gold. I've never had influence on gold. But it probably wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.
- There's always another side to things. All of the above included. But I no longer care. This is what I am, what I feel like and how it will be. There's no longer a point in lying to oneself. There's just left to hope for a miracle.
- I'm jealous of everybody and their happy lives. But I also hate them for it. I take it personally when they laugh. When strangers around me laugh. They're mocking me.
- I wish I was an asexual. I like sex but I hate how it makes me feel, the need for it, the way I think about it. I'd be better off without any urges. Urges equals frustration when the urge is not fulfilled. How is that to think? It's a completely selfish need and I hate that I have a libido. I've wished it away for many years.
- It's hard to feel like you fit into the world, when everything feels out of reach. I hate the word feel. But in these cases, it's the only one I know that fits.
Well, well, well. A fine list indeed. I'm pretty worn out. I'm tired as hell but I bet you I can't sleep. I'll just go lie down and watch something and hope that I at least get an hours rest before work. Maybe I should call in sick. I probably won't. I never do that, except if I'm near death in pain from something. And that's probably the worst thing of all; I'm so perfectionistic but I never get anything done, because I never start it. But you know, you got to work. Without the money, you can't do nothing. I wish I was a monk and working in the field, got food from there and then 'worked' the rest of day, thinking and philosophizing. I'd be great at that if I got some monk-training. It would get me out this superficial and disgusting rich western society.
Now I can be proud of myself. I updated my blog that no one reads. Maybe this will help me sleep, if nothing else.
Not Sleeping Is Not Fun
Well, I am sleeping. At some point I will be too tired to keep awake. I just need to exhaust myself before that happens. Slept four hours last night, then had a ten-hour shift at work and now I can't stand laying around in bed, alone with my stupid head. I get so restless I'll do anything. Go out, for a walk, to buy gum or chips or whatever. That's another bad thing about staying up this late. One gets hungry again and I have no food laying around, that does not require at least 20 minutes of preparation. And I'm too lazy for that.
Also: I'm in a bad mood. Figures.
I also no longer have much confidence in myself while under influence of alcohol. I get mean and itchy. Fantasize about getting in fights, hoping the other part carries a knife.
I could rant away all night. But that too gets boring.
I got a ton of great ideas, sweet ideas and positive thinking. Shame it goes away easily and even more easily, is replaced by the usual negative "fuck me and I'll destroy everything I ever lay my hands on"-attitude.
I don't even know why I write this stuff anymore. I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow. Find out was my next move will be. I'm guessing it will suck and go away, before I get to get excited about it. Betting 80/20 chances of output, that'll amount to nothing. Just like everything else.
Why did you give me
so much desire?
when there is nowhere I can go
to offload this desire
and why did you give me
so much love
in a loveless world
when there's no one I can turn to
to unlock all this love
and why did you stick me in
self-deprecating bones and skin
Jesus- do you hate me?
- Morrissey (I have forgiven Jesus)
A March Rant
I've been sleeping really bad the last days. I stay up until 3 or 4am even on those days when I got work around 8am. Needless to say, I'm exhausted. Why I sleep like this may seem strange or unnecessary. Why. I don't think I couldn't sleep if I tried. I'm just very, very restless. I can't concentrate on one thing very long at a time. If I try to watch a movie, twenty minutes into it, my thoughts wander, I check my mail, play some other game, instead of watching the movie. It seems odd.
I don't get anything done. I have a thousand - actually pretty decent - ideas. But I can't sit down and do them, as I don't have the will or necessary time. I do have the time, I just feel like that I know that if I sit down to do this or that... I will not follow through. I will abandon the idea after an hour or so.
I haven't taken a single picture in six months or so. Not one. Well, yes, on the phone but they don't count.
I'm scared and restless. And exhausted. I will never amount to anything, beside a well-liked guy with a elaborate facade, who's really miserable, lonely, scared, restless and greatly pessimistic. Another crappy thing, is that it is spring. I'm probably facing the worst summer I've ever had.
Still, I really don't want it to seem like I'm near an end. But I just can't see anything good coming. And springtime... I hate these urges. I hate myself.
Snap
Yeah, it has been a while since I last had the urge to write something. Nothing new, though. Just more frustration and the evergrowing feeling of that I might, one of these days, snap and not being able to do anything but sit in a room, alone, with nothing to bother me. No sounds, no one and no phones or instant messaging. I usually can't even reply to texts on the phone, because I'm so frustrated about my job and all the idiots I talk to every day. Also, working this much, is not making it easier. Slowly but surely, I get more and more annoyed, less tolerant and generally unhappy. Maybe I should quit my job. Perhaps I should contact my employers healthcare service. Maybe they could do something for me...
Also, I will need to talk to my personal doctor again. Seems nothing happens, concerning the (maybe, maybe not) upcoming therapy.
These days I'm only truly happy when with friends, having alcohol and letting go and not caring about anything except for what I want. Everything else I do is forced upon me. Generally, I'm deeply miserable. Alcohol makes it go away. Which is a scary thought.
Got another six hours of work today to get done. I could probably go burst into tears at some point. I'm bottled up. I need release. But it has to wait. I probably need to talk to someone about this shit. Sometimes it would be easier just to go away. Starve to death. If it continues like this, I'd prefer that.
"Life is nothing much to lose" - Morrissey
Too Busy To Notice
Yeah, I've been working a lot lately and the next two days, I won't be. Then I only got a single day off for the rest of February. It's nice being busy like that. Leaves me with less time with myself. Also, I failed to mention in the last update that I had a big tattoo done some days back. I love it and I've never been happier looking at my reflection. I could easily fall in love with myself. Of course I'm joking but I really like it. It turned out fantastic. I can't wait to get more ink in my skin...
It's only thing I really want to spent my money on, these days. Travels get cancelled, school sucks and I shouldn't buy all this clothes or toys. Good thing I'm working this much then.
The Past Few
...days have been fun. Two concerts, visit from my sister and some beers. All in all, good times and I'm actually being mostly positive currently. I guess it's because I got plenty to do. I'm however back on antidepressents, after I found out that they probably have a good effect on me, after all. I did talk with my personal doctor first, before quitting them. And I still haven't heard from the hospital. We'll see how that goes in the morning.
Cheers!
When I Post…
...I'm usually in a bad mood and next to express myself. I'm not always horribly angry or negative. It's usually when I lack company of people I like, I tend to get even more sour. Or having a bad day at work, and what not.
I am capable of being glad and smiling as well. It's just the negative is more frequent than the positive. Unfortunately.
Losing It
I wanted to name this post "Downward Spiral" but it was just too obvious and easy. I think I'll keep it short today.
I get so angry these days. Just everything irritates me and I feel like I could snap at any moment and shout somebody right in their stupid face. At the same time, I'm hiding. I fear this behaviour. I fear accidentally losing it - in public. Which I probably couldn't forgive myself, just like I can't forgive myself eating a pizza or losing a game; I do both a lot these days.
I hate people. Especially people having fun and smiling. I feel like the only one of my kind. Everybody else is different in so many ways, that I don't feel we're equal. Which leaves me lower.
Maybe the pills did make a difference? I feel worse than I've felt in sometime. But then again, throughout the last few weeks, it has been increasing steadily. I sometimes get the fear that I'll finally break one of these days.
I hope not. But if I do, at least I can go to the Psychiatrist Emergency Room.
Shortly ADD
I've found a scary list of symptoms for 'quiet adult attention deficit disorder'. After reading it the first time, I was very surprised that I can relate to every symptom. They go as follows:
- You don't get into trouble in school but you daydream a lot and do not pay attention, quietly.
- You have very little social interaction with the schoolmates and have very few good friends, if any.
- You don't talk a lot but can do so if in an comfortable environment with good friends.
- Low selfasteem.
- You don't like groups and do not want to participate in social activities.
- You seem off colour, lazy and not interested.
- You do not desire outer activities.
- Bad memory and lack of focus.
- Bad at completing and carrying out tasks.
- Bad organizer.
- You would rather do things tomorrow than now.
- Lack of initiative, despondent and negative in the concact with others.
- Easily gets angry and negative in thoughts, likes to discuss without purpose.
- Feels everything is inconprehensible and hopeless.
- Tendency of impulsive actions, which are not contructive.
- Trouble organizing time and can not keep appointments.
- Short fuse, impatient and restless.
- Bad communication with others, you easily get misunderstood.
- You seem chronically tired.
Well, these are becoming more and more apparent as I've grown older. I've also read that it seems a person with ADD can naturally compensate for these in strange and imaginative ways but at some point you run out of 'compensation' and you collapse. This is probably what I've feared the most the last year or so. That I might have hit a wall or have no place to go now. I can't get an education because I get so sick a bit into it and that I can not stand anything anymore. My hobbies only last a year or so. This website has been change so many times and abandoned shortly after because I had nothing to contribute and I could not be bothered.
Recently, for some strange reason, it's becoming worse and more frustrating not knowing why I must abandon everything shortly after starting them, being sick of everything and hating myself because I never make good decisions and always do the wrong thing. 70 percent of my time awake is used on analyzing myself, wondering why and how and when. I've always wanted to go inside somebody else's head to see if they're the same way. I doubt they are. If most people were like this, there would be no society, I reckon. Very destructive and negative.
Anyway. I hate talking about myself like I'm special, weird (because it's fashionable to be so) and deranged. I just hate being miserable constantly, yet at the same time, I've been for so long, that I doubt that I can be any other way.
Again, we'll see how the visit to the hospital works out. I'm hoping for the best, expecting the worst.